We’re lying entwined in a morning cuddle when Bae casually lets slip that a sexy dream may or may not have been had, and that I may or may not have featured in the starring role. I feel a current pass between our pressed bodies, and I squirm a little, suddenly aware of my skimpy pyjama shorts.
“It was kind of like Inception – I was having a sexy dream in a dream.”
“What happened when you woke up in your dream?” I ask with a knowing smile.
“It was dark and I found myself lying next to you.”
“Uh-huh,” I say softly, my lady-boner swelling with anticipation.
“I was so horny after the dream that I mounted you and started slowly kissing your neck.”
“But you wouldn’t stop talking to me. I kept trying to like, initiate, but you just wouldn’t shut up.”
“Eventually I had to give up, because it totally killed the moment.”
That is NOT how I wanted that dream to end. Talk about being blue-balled! And that goes for both of us!
In my last post, I wrote about how talking about sex with your partner or partners isn’t always easy. In the face of a communicational challenge, many of us simply clam up. (BTW – For anyone who’s struggling to verbalise their wants or needs, try filling out the worksheet I shared. Knowing what you want and like is the first step to being able to talk about it.)
On the other end of the spectrum, you get people like me. I write for a living. I’m wordy. Rather than clam up when the going gets rough, I have a tendency to talk too much. After all, the greatest tool I have in my arsenal is my intellect. I resolve messy situations and feelings with carefully chosen words and neat endings.
You’d think that talking about an issue would be the best solution. I mean, isn’t that what everyone keeps saying? Through trial and (so much) error, I’ve learned that, just like with everything else, moderation is key.
Let me give you an example: Maybe I’m having a flare up of trouble reaching orgasm. Maybe my partner’s libido has taken a hit after a particularly stressful time of the year. Either of those things is enough to put me on edge, because they create a disconnect, and I have a tendency to use words to fill the gap.
While communication is healthy and crucial to the health of any kind of relationship, rehashing the same issues over and over does more harm than good. Once you’re in that space, you’re no longer engaging in constructive dialogue – you’re obsessing. If Bae’s dream goes to show anything, it’s that sometimes all you need is a little less conversation and a little more action!
Words are an important part of sex, but they are also limited. There is an element of the sexual experience that escapes words. In many ways the magic of sexual chemistry is wordless, and trying to cement or solidify it in the confines of the alphabet not only does it a disservice, but might just snuff out the flame all together.
I’ve found that the best way to resolve a sexual disconnect is to address it thoroughly once (with words), and then to give the issue enough space away from analysis and discussion for action to be taken (wordlessness).
Fire needs air!
And when bae pulls some smooth moves on you in their dream, dream-you needs to just zip it!
Photo: Bruce Christianson